Rage Against The Screen: 0001

The Wrath of Fans ...

 

It’s only television, right?

You sit down. You watch. Hopefully you enjoy what you see. And if you don’t you either watch something else or do something else. Few things in life are that simple. But in this instance, that’s the way it is, so enjoy.

It’s the very definition of the unspoken contract. Which is this:

1. The programme makers make the programmes.
2. The audience watches the programmes.

Okay? That’s as far as it goes. A lot of people who get this already. The problem is there are many out there who don’t.

By all means enjoy your favourite shows. After all, there’s a fair chance that’s what the programme makers want. Be enthusiastic celebrating them in whatever way you see fit. Just don’t take it too far. Which some do. Not all fans. Just the ‘avid fans.’ The obsessives - a.k.a. The Real Whack Jobs. And those sons of bitches are the ones giving us all a bad rap.

Not the faction that dress up in their Starfleet uniforms or have their own home-made Cybermen outfit. They’re about as harmless as natural radiation. Although the dobbers that come in a fancy dress that involves knives and swords and stupid replica firearms have some serious issues they need to address. (The words very, tiny, and penis may be involved).

No the real goofs are the ones who think because they are fans of the programme they have some kind of ownership of the programme. They are the ones who have their tiresome form letter campaigns. They are the ones who send the networks items in the post.

Which meant that The WB found itself the recipient of bottles of Tabasco sauce when it looked like the plug was going to be pulled on the teen alien nonsense Roswell and TNT were inundated with Pez dispensers when the little oiks set out to save Witchblade. And then they dance and cheer when they get another year or whatever temporary victory they can claim as their own.

It could be worse. Of late The Sci-Fi Channel has been getting a drubbing for knocking Farscape on the head and then having the audacity to remake Battlestar Galactica without asking permission first. Well, gee whiz.... Shame on them!

I saw a couple episodes of Farscape once. Given the choice of watching more and having a pissed-off weasel sewn into my colon, I’d have gone straight for surgery. Even the VCR refused to record one of the final shows while I was out. As for the Battlestar Galactica remake, I’ll get around to that another time, but my opinion for now is the whining little pricks should all be beheaded. Slowly. With a sharpened table spoon.

The Farscape cancellation was pretty obvious. It under-performed. Not enough people were watching the show and the outgoing didn’t warrant the returns. It happens all the time in television and most normal people have enough sense to accept it. Networks don’t simply toss away tried and tested programmes like so much used Kleenex. Not without a good reason, anyway.

Then there was the hullabaloo over Stargate SG-1. I would have thought everyone would be up in arms because they’re still making the damn nonsense. It’s like letting UNIT take over Doctor Who’s Tardis and then removing any interest and excitement.

And the cause of the demented rage? One of the actors left because he wanted to get on with his career. Without him around all the female fans got their sofa cushions all hot and moist in an altogether different fashion. Even with him back, after a year of waiting for the telephone to ring, they still hassle the production company, bitching if he’s not in an episode.

The best advice for these pent-up harridans is to hook up with a guy and get some serious deep dicking. Otherwise they’re going to be first ones called when some studio needs to recast the Kathy Bates role in a remake of Misery.

The strange thing is the connection here. I haven’t come across fans bursting with abject fury because Aaron Sorkin is leaving The West Wing. The unfathomable, inarticulate rage always comes from science fiction fans.

What a bunch a sad, scary twists they are. For once Shatner, back when he hosted Saturday Night Live, was right on the money.